Opening Up 

In which Fitz and Clare open up to each other about their pasts.

Fitz: slowly opened his eyes and smiled to himself when he saw Clare sitting laying on his chest after staying over the night before. He put his fingers through her curls slowly and smiled to himself. She was so beautiful, but he still didn’t want to think about last night and the way she was, the way she acted like she was afraid that he’d leave or get sick of her. He had no intentions of leaving her or getting sick of her. If he did, he wouldn’t have told her if she wanted to move out of her mom’s, that his door was always open. When she woke up, he kissed her cheek and then whispered that he was going to go make them some breakfast. He went downstairs and made them both eggs, bacon and pancakes, and put them all on a big plate and poured a big glass of orange juice. He figured they could just share it instead of making two trips up the steps. Once he got to his room, he smiled at her and handed her the plate and sat down next to her. “We can share, I was thinking? It was easier than balancing two plates.”14:04

Clare dozed off for a few more minutes when he left but she eventually sat up and wondered if she should follow him but before her brain could even tell her to get up, he was back in the room. Clare smiled sleepily at him and nodded. She didn’t mind sharing with him and it was cute, breakfast in bed. She looked down at the plate and smiled. “This is a big plate like, Hagrid sized.” She said, clearing her throat slightly because she sounded hoarse. “It looks so good and smells so good.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek before picking up one of the forks and cutting a piece of pancake up and holding it up for him to take a bite.14:26

Clare joined the chat14:29

Fitz: smiled softly at her words and took a few bites of the pancake she had been holding for him to take a bite of. “Mm. It’s good, although I’m not very picky when it comes to food. Like if it didn’t come from the Dot or …I don’t know, the jail? I’m good.” He smiled at her as he continued to take a few bites of the food. “So, you like it then? I figured you were probably hungry too, because I was and I didn’t want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful and beautiful asleep. You still look beautiful though.” He sighed softly and then looked at her, “Clare..you know I’m not going anywhere, right? I mean last night, you acted like you were having trust issues when it came to me, and I don’t know why? Did I do something that made you not trust me or..I mean, just tell me what you’re thinking, please?”14:48

Clare smiled as she ate breakfast with him and nodded when he asked if she liked it. She did, it was amazing, really and he was so sweet. She took another bite from the pancake when he asked about the night before and she paused. She hadn’t been sure if they would talk about it but it seemed that they were going to. Clare set her fork down and chewed what she had in her mouth and she took her time, avoiding his eyes. When she was finished, she took a sip of the orange juice and took the plate from him, setting it on the nightstand beside his bed and she sat in front of him, her hands reaching for his lightly as she frowned. He hadn’t done anything. In fact, he was perfect. She moved into his lap now, her arms wrapping around him as she hugged him and she laid her head on his shoulder. “After fighting with mom,” She said quietly, closing her eyes and not moving from the hug because when he held her she felt safe and sometimes her own thoughts scared her. “I got to thinking about everything. How everybody leaves and how I would react when you left. The truth is, I don’t know how I would but I know that I would be sad, more than that, I’d feel lost because I haven’t hid anything from you. I’ve let you completely in and that scares me. I know it doesn’t make much sense and it’s not your fault, it’s me and how easily scared I am. I don’t let my walls come down this easily, and here you come and you climbed over the first one and it’s like I just pushed the walls down so you could walk through and I know people break up and that’s normal. And we’ve only been dating for a little bit now but I… I love you. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to pick the pieces up in the end. And it scares me.”15:25

Fitz joined the chat15:30

Fitz: was a bit confused when she climbed into his lap but he held her in a tight hug anyway and listened closely to her response as to why she kept thinking about him ever leaving. He frowned at her words, but mostly because he wouldn’t leave, he wouldn’t be able to leave-ever and he knew that. He also knew that he was scared and often he wondered why exactly she would eventually grow sick of /him/ and what he would do to eventually cause her to hate him and leave him and he knew if something like that did ever happen, that he would be alone, completely alone and he hated that feeling completely. He had grown tired of being lonely, even if it had been comfortable for him. This-being with Clare and being in love with her and having those feelings returned- were so much better than the comfort he felt when he was alone and not able to be hurt or abandoned. He glanced over at the calender and frowned for a moment, his dad had died exactly a year prior to today.15:38

Fitz: looked back at her and sighed softly, “I don’t know what to say other than, that I feel like that too at times, and that I am scared that one day, I’ll do something to make you hate me or make you abandon me and I hate it. And I’ve let you in too. I mean, you are the only person that knows this much about me, you know? One of the only people I trust not to hurt me, not to abandon me.”15:38

Clare stayed quiet. “I just worry that you think I’m perfect, too. Or that I’m always going to be positive but I’m not always and sometimes I get moody and down. And I’m sorry.” She said lightly and pulled back to look at him. She shook her head. She could never hate him or abandon him. Even if they were to break up, not that she saw any reason for them to break up, she would still be his friend. Clare laid her forehead against his gently and closed her eyes for a second. “I could never hate you and I’m never going to abandon you. If we break up, which I… I hope not and I don’t see any reason why we would, really, I would still want you in my life. To be friends. I know that sounds silly and maybe nobody stays friends but I wouldn’t just walk away from you and I’ll never abandon you.” She paused and looked at him, her lips pressing against his cheek for a second. “I know you’ve let me in and… I don’t know, thank you for letting me in because I know that it’s not easy. Especially after everything you’ve been through.”16:22

Fitz: frowned at the mention of them breaking up. He knew that it was possible in the future for them to eventually break up. It happened, all the time, to even the best of couples. Things happened, he knew that. And from his understanding of his own parents, it wasn’t always just that the two fall out of love. His mom, he knew, loved his dad, but his dad was an addict, and if she stayed with him, she would have been just enabling his addiction, and he was actually glad that his mom was a strong enough person to be able to leave, even though he was in love with his dad. “Okay, let’s make each other a promise then…if for whatever reason, we break up. I promise I will make every effort to at the very least, keep in touch. Write you an email once a month if it’s too difficult to still be your friend. Because I couldn’t go on without talking to you ever again.”16:46

Clare was timed out17:23

Fitz was timed out17:47

Fitz joined the chat17:57

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Clare nodded a few times but she didn’t want to break up and she wouldn’t let Fitz go that easily. She laid her head back on his shoulder and hugged him tightly, her eyes closing as she thought about that. “I promise.” she whispered but she had no intentions of breaking up with him, at all and she hoped that she didn’t do anything to push him away. Clare picked her head up off of his shoulder and pressed her lips against his, the kiss was different and she didn’t know where it had come from but she was less gently but still sweet as she poured herself into the kiss, her hands sliding to his cheeks. “I have no intentions of breaking up with you, though. Just… just so you know.” She said quietly when she pulled back and looked at him for a moment before kissing him again gently.18:28

Clare: less gentle*18:29

Fitz: really didn’t like the thought of every breaking up with her, because, though they had only been together about a month, possibly less than that, he could see his life with her, he could see himself having children with her, getting married to her, living with her, and growing old with her and that scared him, a lot. Never before had he thought about these things at all, he didn’t even want to get married or have kids before, but now he could see it with Clare. “I don’t either, Clare.” he whispered, then kissed her back gently. When they finally separated, he said quietly, “My dad over dosed exactly a year ago today. I was thinking..do you want to go see where I grew up? Because I thought I could go put flowers on his grave if we went that way.”18:50

Clare was timed out19:29

Fitz was timed out19:50

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Clare nodded a few times. “Of course.” She didn’t know what else to say. She hadn’t known and she had pulled her insecure issues the night before. Now she really felt bad. Clare wondered what she could say but she felt like saying sorry was stupid so she just hugged him instead, gently and then she pulled away and stood up. “Can I wear one of your shirts though, since I slept in this one?” She hadn’t been planning on staying over the night before so she hadn’t brought clothes. She reached down and picked her pants off of the ground and pulled them on quickly, zipping and buttoning them up. “Or if we could stop by my house for a second so I could change. If that’s okay?”20:25

Fitz: hugged her back. He hadn’t really cried that much when he died, other for a half hour, he had refused to go to the funeral since he felt like his dad never really cared enough about him to feel welcome there, but now was as good a time as any to go. Plus this was a major part of him and he wanted to let Clare into that part of his life, as well. He nodded at her question, “Would you rather stop at your house or wear my clothes? I’m alright with either. Although, you look really, really cute in my clothes, so, you’re more than welcome to wear some of them.”20:31

Clare rolled her eyes playfully at him. “I would but you’re a wee bit taller than I am and I need to brush my teeth… and stuff.” She blushed. “I probably look like I’ve been ran over by a truck. I just need to freshen up and change into a new pair of clothes and it shouldn’t take too long.” She said, her tone promising. “I’ll go downstairs so you can change or whatever.” She said and smiled, leaning over and kissing him gently before taking their plate and glass and headed out of his room.20:49

Fitz: smiled and her with a quiet laugh and then said as she walked out of the room,”You look amazing, actually.” He quickly pulled some clothes on himself and then went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth and went down the steps to meet her. He slid his shoes on at the bottom of the steps and then walked in the living room to meet her. “Ready?”20:54

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Clare was timed out21:50

Fitz was timed out23:18

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Clare nodded and grabbed her keys, taking his hand and leading him out of the house and to her car. Getting in on her side, she buckled up and started the car but waited for Fitz to get in and buckle up to and then she pulled out of the driveway and made the trip to her house. Her mother’s car was missing and Clare couldn’t help the snort that she let out. Parking the car and shutting it off, she turned to Fitz. “You can come in if you want, either way, I promise to hurry.” She said and opened her door but waited to see if he was going in or not23:52

Fitz: nodded, but then he slid out of her car and shut the door before following her into the house and sitting on her couch while she got ready. He wasn’t sure where her mom was but he frowned at the emptiness of her house, and wondered if she got lonely often. When she came down the steps, he smiled and stood up. As he walked closer to her, he leaned over and kissed her cheek then took her hand as she led him out to the car.23:57

Clare joined the chat0:28

Clare when she ran upstairs, she quickly changed and sprayed perfume on before brushing her teeth and washing her face and finally brushing her hair and making her way back downstairs. she smiled and made her way back outside and once they were back in the car and on the main road, she glanced at him. “Which way am I going?” She asked and once he started giving her directions, she went how he told her to go.0:41

Fitz: smiled and gave her instructions on how to get to his old neighborhood, figuring they could just go to the park he used to hang out at, then go by the cemetery. It was weird, thinking about the fact that he was doing exactly what he told himself he’d never do, and was letting Clare in. This was it, the only thing about his past that was kept a secret, and it would be out in the open.0:45

Clare parked the car where he told her to when they finally made it and looked over at Fitz. What he was doing, she didn’t know. Unless he was proving to her that he was letting her like she had been letting him in, she didn’t know. Clare unbuckled and looked around before looking at Fitz and smiling slightly. “Are we getting out?” She asked and reached over, hitting the button on his seat belt and smiled at him.0:51

Fitz: nodded and got out then ran over to her side and let her out and took her hand in his and walked over to the playground. He sighed, then put his arm around her. “The last time I saw my dad was at this playground. It was before he started getting really bad with the drugs. After that day, the only thing he really cared about was the drugs and the alcohol and everything other than me it seemed like.”0:56

Clare wrapped her arms around his waist as they walked and when they stopped, she squeezed him gently. She didn’t know how that felt. She knew what it felt like to be alone but her mom was still there. Sort of. Clare swallowed the lump in her throat and looked up at him. Did he want to do this or was he proving something to her? She didn’t know. “Did you guys talk… I mean. After seeing him here? Or?” She felt weird asking. Like she was intruding.1:04

Fitz: shook his head. He hadn’t talked to him, not at all. His dad never called, never wanted to see him, so Fitz wouldn’t ever bother answering the calls or calling himself. “No, I could tell he didn’t want to see me, he didn’t want anything to do with me. I just…I mean, sometimes I feel guilty that he over dosed. What if I had been not as stressful as a kid or what if I didn’t stress on his relationship with my mom? Would he have turned to drugs still or what would have happened? I just want to talk you for coming with me. I was afraid of coming alone.”1:10

Clare shook her head. She was sure it wasn’t his fault and told him so. People did things and it was no one’s fault but their own. She hugged him even more tightly and smiled lightly. “No need to thank me, at all.” she said quietly and sighed. “I’m glad that you trust me enough and asked me to come… so thank you.” She said, wondering if she was even making sense. She was quiet as she hugged him. “I’m sorry he did it,” She said finally, feeling stupid as she did, though but she wanted to comfort him, somehow.1:37

Fitz joined the chat2:50

Fitz: nodded at her words, and hugged her back tight. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him and sighed softly. “Yeah, me too. I mean. I don’t know. It feels stupid, being upset about someone I hardly knew dying..but I am and I don’t know..it sucks. I guess we should go to the cemetery and put these flowers on it. I never went but I think flowers would be nice, right?”2:52

Clare joined the chat2:54

Clare nodded a few times and squeezed him gently before pulling back and looking up at him. “It’s not stupid. He was your dad. You’re allowed to feel however you feel about it.” She told him quietly and reached up, kissing his cheek gently. “And don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Your feelings are yours and people can’t mess with that or take it away.” She said quietly and nodded. “Okay, yeah. flowers are nice. I can hang back if you want some alone time, too.”3:00

Fitz: nodded at her words and then led her to the cemetery next to the playground with the flowers in his hand that he had brought with him and took a deep breath before walking to where his dad’s grave was and kneeled down in front of it and then was quiet for a few moments before whispering, “You really did screw up…but I forgive you, and I miss you. I wish we would have had a better relationship. I’m happy though and I’m doing a lot better. So..I guess that’s it. I’m going to go now.”3:07

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Clare followed Fitz but when they got to the cemetery, she hung back a bit. Especially when he kneeled down and whispered. She turned around and glanced around at the trees and other headstones. She wondered why they built the playground so close to the cemetery, she wondered if it bothered kids or bothered older adults. She didn’t know but her mind wondered odd things so she decided not to ask. She turned back around as Fitz stood up and she was surprised. That was quick, but she knew that this was hard for him. Clare walked over to him and gently slid her hand into his, lacing their fingers together.13:35

Fitz: walked out of the cemetery with her and sighed to himself. He didn’t really know what to say when he was at the headstone, he really didn’t have much to say, to be honest. But that was the best he could say, or he thought it was anyway. “Thanks, for um driving me up here. I appreciate it. Should we head back now, then?”13:38

Clare wrapped her arms around him once they got to the car and stopped walking. She hugged him gently and didn’t pull away for a few moments. “It’s okay, I mean, no thanks needed, really.” She said and pulled back, smiling lightly at him. “Yeah, we can if you want. Is there anything else that you wanted to go do?” She asked and opened her door.14:03

Fitz: shook his head and looked over at her. All he really, really wanted to do was go to one of their houses and just cuddle for a little bit. She made him feel better and he needed that right now. He needed just to hold her, he knew it would make him feel better. A lot better. “Can we just go back to one of our places and cuddle for a while. I just want to hold you.”14:06

Clare nodded. “Of course.” She said and kissed his cheek before sliding into the car and shutting her door was he walked around and got in. They buckled up and she started the car and headed back toward his house. She didn’t want to go home and who knew if her mom was there or not. She didn’t care, at this point. She was just tired of dealing with it. The ride was quiet and she glanced over at him a few times before sliding her hand into his and eventually pulled into his driveway and shut the car off.14:13

Fitz: smiled at her when she parked the car and got out and took her hand in his and led her into the house. He led her up to his room and laid down, then motioned for her to lay down next to him. With his arms around her, he closed his eyes for a few moments, inhaling as the smell of her hair hit his nose. She smelled good, she always smelled so good. “I love you,” he mumbled, then kissed her cheek.14:15

Clare laid down next to him and snuggled against him, her arms wrapping around him as she buried her face into his neck and she smiled. This was perfect, how they fit together still surprised her. “I love you,” she breathed out and closed her eyes, kissing his neck lightly. She stayed still and smiled again. She couldn’t help it, honestly. “These are my favorite moments, I think.” She said quietly. “I mean, every moment with you, really but…” She was rambling and shut up quickly, shrugging lightly.14:39

Fitz: smiled and nodded slightly in agreement. They were his favorite moments too. They were great memories and he didn’t want them to just end up to be memories, he wanted to tell her how much he loved her but he couldn’t find words to tell her just how much he did love her. “They’re mine too. I just love you so much. I don’t know what I would do without you.”14:42

Clare pulled back and looked up at him. “Don’t think about that. I’m not going anywhere.” She said quietly and shook her head. She didn’t want him to be sad or to think like that but she knew it was inevitable, they were both worried about losing the other. She breathed out and smiled. “I love you so much, too. More than I actually know how to explain it to you.” She said and leaned in, kissing him softly, her hands moving up to cup his cheeks gently.15:04

Fitz: nodded and when she kissed him, he gently kissed her back, brushing his fingers up and down her sides as he did so. He loved how this was, the way this whole relationship felt, like he was safe almost, but then again, he felt like he was getting too used to having her around. What if she left one day? He’d be lost. But he wasn’t going to think about it, he was going to live in the moment.15:08

Fitz was timed out